Love love love.its a crazy thing.its that girl that’s chasing that guy that’s chasing the other girl.its that boy that’s chasing that girl that doesn’t like him. It makes us stupid,vulnerable,happy,confused…its like a fruit salad…only dat its a salad of emotions.
Once upon a time, I met a boy. He was white..he was a white Nigerian. He had the cutest smile ever and when I looked at him for the very first time I felt nothing, but when he spoke to me on our school bonfire night, I totally,helplessly fell for him.
When he went back to his school, we still communicated, lol, communicate is an understatement cos we spoke everyday all day. We made mad stupid jokes and had fun. When I realized that I was in love with him and he was in love with me too, I waited for him to tell me he loved me( lol typical African).
When he finally asked me to be his girlfriend, I said I wanted us to be just friends. I don’t know why I said so when clearly I wanted to be more to him. I was confused yet my mouth kept saying no when all my heart wanted was to say yes.
A month later
He came to my school, we talked like nothing ever happend. We spoke for long hours, he helped me fetch water and he told me I looked beautiful despite the fact DAT I was dressed like a house girl .he looked into my eyes and asked me to be his girlfriend again. I told him I would think about it(lol m such a Nigerian).
That night I wrote in my diary:
In this moment of my life I’m at the point where I want something but I don’t really know if I want that something, and how long I’m going to want it. I know it sounds crazy and I don’t know if I’m the only one who ever feels this way.
I really want to be with him, but I can’t cos I’m scared I’m going to be broken when I have to loose him. I’m always the one doing the breaking, but this time it feels like its going to be different and I might end up being the one who gets broken.
I want to say yes every time he looks at me but something keeps stopping me.
In the morning when I woke up I wrote…
I woke up with him on my mind and I knew I would go crazy if I didn’t say yes but it seemed like it was too late cos wen I went to look for him I was told he had left but he was coming back.I called him but his phone was switched off. I have a feeling I may have truly lost him and I truly truly hope my feeling is wrong. I just want to talk to him or see him before I run mad.
I seriously miss him. I knew I would be empty when he leaves, but I didn’t know what the emptiness would feel like.
I’ve never felt this way before and I think I feel this way because I didnt get to see him before he left and they is no way to communicate with him.
I don’t want to stop thinking about him,I don’t want to ever move on or get over him. I don’t even want to think about it.
I think I’m going through that five stages crap, sadness,anger,acceptance,bla bla bla. Right now I feel angry with him and most especially with myself.
I feel as though if I keep my emotions inside of me, they’ll remain there, cos I don’t want them to go anywhere.
I’m going to patiently wait for him to come back. I realize all this craziness won’t get me anywhere so I’m going to patiently wait.I really hope to see him.
Last night I was talking to my guy friend about my problem and he said, ‘honestly if you are going to take my advice, forget about him cos he’s going to break your heart’.
I asked him why he thought so and he said he just knows I’m going to get hurt. For a moment I believed him but then I decided not to. Even if I’m going to get hurt, I still want to try and it might be my worst mistake but I’m willing to try.
Lol I remember a movie I once watched.the girl in the movie said when you really really really really really really (six really) like a boy or girl its love, but when its like for or five reallys its almost love, not yet.
I think I 4really like him.we still haven’t spoken,not seen him yet.
You were the one
I wanted most
But time could not
Be kept at bay.
The more it goes
The more its gone
The more it takes away
As the day passes by, the pain and my anticipation fades away. I miss him less than I missed him yesterday.
Its been quite long since I wrote anything about him.yah I miss him at least once everyday and I think about him coming back. I heard he might come back today. I’m excited even though I don’t know what I’m going to do or say when I see him.Been more than a month since I saw or spoke to him.
1 WEEK LATER
He didn’t come. I think a part of me knew he wouldn’t come. I was half sad and half contented. I still believe whatever is meant to be will be.
FIVE MONTHs LATER AKA TODAY
I was re reading the above pages and I was smiling thru out…was one hell of a journey. Things turned out alright after all and……oops sorry gotta go my boyfriends calling…😜